When your choice isn't your choice.

Choice - an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.

The irony of realizing the choice you made is not what you intended to be. Having secured an internship in a think tank, I realized should I fail to perform satisfactorily, my career in a particular sector is pretty much done for. I do enjoy the occasional research work I did for some of my projects and report writing, but in a formal setting where your bread and butter hinges on it, it seems like a no-no.

Till this end, I wonder what sort of trouble I am getting myself into.

Seeing the change in oneself.

Sometimes, it takes someone else to let you see the change in yourself.

Academic achievement had never been my interest when I was in primary and secondary schools. It took some nagging for me to start on my revision and I often ended up sleeping. I am what most people would say, a late bloomer, when I went on to polytechnic after completing my GCE O's level. But, I digress.

Dad stood at my door one evening and said to me, "Don't over-stress yourself, alright?" On one hand it was heartwarming from my dad's concern, on the other, I am bemused. Bemused over the disinterest in studies I had shown in my younger days and the change I underwent so subtly.

The wait.

It was a tormenting 4 days.

It was a poor show of performance at the interview. Questions that I could have answer brilliantly I did not, instead a jumble of mumbo jumbo was uttered. That night, I sought comfort in carbo, devouring bread from breadtalk and sushi, something that I have never done before.

And so the wait. The 4 days, it was a perpetual slip into depression. Regardless of the outcome, I only hoped that it is released so I can move on and focus on my studies. The comfort came on Tuesday morning in the form of an email. I was given the scholarship.

A little happy and pressurized now.

Embracing failure

The strength to embrace failure is an admirable quality that is absent in me. Right in front of me is an opportunity that will serve as a catalyst for many good things to come. But the lack of this strength brought fear upon me - the fear of failing.

For now, I pray for success in next week's interview.

It has been 3 years since your passing. Always fondly remembered - Rory.

Knock, knock.

Does anyone still patronize this blog?

You are part of my decision-making process

She said she is leaving for UK to further her studies. I pondered. How hard did she did come to that decision. Then, images of a younger me start coming back. Young and worry-free, a fiery desire to further my education overseas. But pragmatism prevailed eventually. As realism trusted me back to where I am, I asked myself, can I forgo the emotional bond I have with you and pursue what I long yearned? This emotional bond we have, is it my instinctive needs or the desire to connect with you? I pondered again.

Ever since your appearance, you are already part of the decision-making process. Change we feared but come what may.

I know it is you

Getting back home from a long day, I headed to my room, placed my bag on my side table and laid on my comfortable bed. It was one of those days where you felt so drained of energy from meetings that never seem to stop. It was never what varsity life is suppose to be. As the clock ticked by, my eyelids felt heavy. Drowsiness soon took over me. Then, the smell from the perfume you left on my bag wafted exciting my sensory. I was reminded of our moments. The moment when the name of the perfume stopped going by its name but by yours. The moment when our hands first met. The moment when I observed you sleeping like an innocent child deserving nothing but tender love. The moment I held you tightly in my arms, so afraid you might be nothing but a memory.

I knew deep in me it is you truly.

Shouts came from below. I woke up from my thoughts, my pillow was moist. i looked beside my table and reached out for my bag. I inhaled deeply, every part of you permeated me.

Managing Expectations

Relationships are maintained and driven by expectations, even in the simplest relationship, for example, that of an acquaintance. A case in point would be that of a friend, we expect him/her to be your listening ear when you need one and it is through this expectation that the friendship is maintained.

As the closeness of the relationship moves up, the more we expect from the relationship. There is no wrong in this as this befits the closeness of the relationship. However, even as expectations increase, one remains unchanged - the need to communicate.

The need to communicate, in my opinion, forms the most basic expectation in a relationship, as for a relationship to form, one has to communicate to be acquainted.

We expect our loved ones to communicate to us, be it of happiness or woes, it provides comfort to know your loved ones are in contentment or to provide empathic concerns to your loved ones knowing he/she is in misery.

When expectations are not met in a relationship, disagreements and arguments may eventually consume the relationship itself, or when one grows accustomed to the other party's expectations, complacency may seep in and thus, failure to comprehend the dynamic nature of expectations.

That said, one cannot help but feel disappointed and frustrated knowing even the most basic of expectations is unfulfilled.

It is said that no expectations always lead to fewer disappointments.

Perhaps it's time for me to lower my expectations of others.

San Francisco and my mundane life

I'm starting to notice a trend. Every start of my post would start off with an apology for the late update. As most fo my readers know, I have a twitter account and I have decided to use the twitter account for impromptu updates and my blog as an avenue for self-reflection and read-worthy updates.

My trip to San Francisco had been an enriching one. Being alone in a foreign country (well, most of the time), you tend to see and appreciate more of the country. I flew alone on my flights, to and forth and the different time zones don't affect me much as I was asleep most of the time. The conference was a eye-widening experience, the crowd, the atmosphere and the seminars. There was also time for fun too, visited Golden Gate Bridge twice, Palace of Fine Arts with its magnificent structures and Apple HQ at Cupertino.

Although my experience with Northwest Airlines wasn't a good one, the trip also earned me enough mileage to redeem a ticket to most part of Asia. Time to save up for another trip.

Moving to my sophomore year in SMU this August. The module bidding round has already and I wasn't really keen in Software Engineering module I will be taking the new term. My encounter with programming has seen better days, the enjoyment I used to seek in programming seem so distant. For one of the module, I had to write an essay and attend an interview if I am shortlisted. All the trouble for a half-credit module. Passed the first round of selection, attending the interview this Wednesday.

One month more to the new term. Enjoying the remnant of my vacation.

My Adidas Sundown 10K Marathon experience and random thoughts

Run, just run, do not give up. Let's what drove me to the finishing point of the 10km marathon. Based on my Nike+ kit, I took 58min to complete the race, will be waiting for my official timing to be released.

It would be suicidal to go for a race, how short it is, without any training. 1.5 months prior to the race, I been running 4km twice a week, but it slowly tapered down to 3km once a week after I started my summer job.

As the organizer didn't have my record in the system on the day of the race pack collection, my race mates and I had to arrive 2 hours early to collect our race tags. As a consolation, I manage to get a carpark slot for being the early bird.

Here's how I fare from my Nike+ kit,



I took a while to warm up and another reason for this was the Sennheiser earphones I was hearing. My advice is, never get their sports series. I been using it for less than a year, the earphones don't grip to the ears tightly and half the time I was adjusting it to make sure it doesn't slip out. Also, the insulation has split, exposing the copper wire.

The energy gels I purchased earlier came in useful too. At the 5km point, my stomach started to hurt, probably due to running on an empty stomach and it feels better after drinking one.

Hoping to try for Army Half Marathon 21km. Anyone keen? :)

Flying off to San Francisco in 5 days. With the H1N1 situation, many have asked me why have I not cancelled my trip. I could probably play punk and forfeit the scholarship citing the H1N1 epidemic as the reason (which is probably a strong one), but it's really a once in a lifetime opportunity to attend the WWDC conference and I have other plans for next Summer.

Besides, who could resist a partially sponsored trip to San Francisco? *grin*

Being the responsible citizen, I took some precaution on my own, flu jab, vitamin C and Tamiflu prescribed by a colleague.

Going to plan my trip. Ciao~!

Summer updates

Exams ended almost a month ago and I'm really glad it was over. I have been staying up late in school 2 weeks before the exams for some very last minute revision. With the crazy amount of projects I had to juggle, it's almost impossible for constant revision.

Results were far from satisfactory but as far as I'm concerned, I'm contented not having to touch statistics anymore.

Lesson learnt - quantity and quality are mutually exclusive, at least in my case. I am not going to compromise on my results by taking more modules than I can handle. With Software Engineering coming up next term, I am just going to settle for 4 modules.

Started my vacation job 3 weeks ago in the area of systems planning and development. After much reflection, I felt that I haven't really been putting in efforts in my job. I seem to have lost touch with my former self. Perhaps it's the upcoming trip next month or maybe it's just the adoption period. Nevertheless, the coming weeks I aim to resolve all my shortcomings and prove my worth.

Moving next, I have decided to accept the scholarship offer after much deliberating. Doesn't it seem so strange that what you been wanting so much, you hesitate when it's offered to you? I will be heading to San Francisco for 2 weeks to attend the WWDC conference. I'm leaving next week and there's much things I have yet to prepare. Oh well.

Going for Adidas Sundown this Saturday with a group of university friends. Just 10km to get me prepared for Army Half-Marathon 21km run and if possible, Standard Chartered 42km marathon. I'm finally ditching the army-issued New Balance shoes for a better one. :D

Sleeping early tonight to have more energy for work the next day. Till then. :)

The End of Year 1 Term 2

The ending to my Year 1 Term 2 hasn't been one that is so often associated with fancy fanfare and what's not. The days leading to it was so much like the rest of the school days and for that, I have my programming project to thank for.

Last Friday, I submitted my research paper addressing the ethical concerns of allotransplantation, to be specific, facial transplant procedure. I felt that the standards of the paper contrast my previous submission. As much as I wish to blame my busy commitments, I have to admit that procrastination is not a student's good friend. My prof is a nice chap, gave every of us a tube of jelly beans for the last lesson we had and a curry puff from Old Chang Kee on submission day.

Saturday, Sunday and Monday were spent in school, with a overnight stay on Sunday itself. All for the sake of completing the programming project. The amount of coffees I drowned myself in would have made me an interesting test subject for caffeine intoxication. Cold shower from a water hose would have put my army training to shame.

The final hours are spent on documenting the project and the moods changed drastically at the click of the submit button. For every of us, consumed from the lack of sleep, it was finally over.

Together with my other friends, one of which isn't from my course but stayed on to study, we headed to Geylang for dim sum supper. After sending one of them back, it was a teary moment as I reunite with my bed and I blissfully and willingly pay my sleep debt.

This is only a starter, I do not want to know how it is going to be like when I take Software Engineering next term.

Time to get myself prepared for my exams next week and face my worse fear - statistics.